Hi everyone, a few days ago I decided it would be a good idea to turn the ideas for the first chapter in the RPG i'm developing into a short story so that
I could keep myself "in the zone" so too speak, for allot of it I am happy, though I thought id post to check to see weather an excert of it provides enough
drama and suspense.

Hopefully after reading it should give the idea of the suspense I hope for the intro, but please pass your opinions as they are all valuable to me.

Here is the excert:



[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]“Who am I... Arghh” head sways as dash of light strobes across a vivid darkness, you open your eyes to find a young man bashing his fists against the glass and shouting although you cant make out what he says, questions suddenly flash through your mind “who is that, why am I in here, what is this stuff that I'm floating in?” when a rush of cold sober air flushes as the indego lab’s life module and that once warm but strange liquid once again finds gravity and equilibrium. “Diroka I thought I'd never find you! do you know who i am? [panting] There’s no time to explain, they were already onto me when I broke in here, look... [serious tone] i don’t know what they’ve done to you, but It’s me... Tao... your brother remember? we have to get out of here right now.”, he quickly wraps you in his large overall coat that smells of Kade and Luca oil, a familiar though comes then goes, the scent alone had a power that makes you feel safe.[/font]

[font="Calibri"] Tao grabs your arm and rushes you down a hatch he must have broken through to find you, he speaks scattered only to give short snaps of “this way”, “down here” and glances that lets me know i should trust him. I’ve gained my feet now, and am able to run again... The air is thicker out of that pod, its harder to breathe, but the wind under my feet makes me feel alive again. Loud sirens of the south wing whale as we run faster and faster through industrial cramped and winding corridors when we see one where the end glows, we reach it, and that unprepared feeling of equilibrium once again takes over, falling, a snap of grip as Tao catches you, you glance over your shoulder to a burst of awesome light and vista.[/font]

[font="Calibri"] Tao shouts over the loud wind whistle “almost lost you there ha ha! grab a proper hold of me and I’ll get us out of here OK!”, you wrap your arms around him tightly for that ledge is enough for maybe two feet, he dials into a hand held device curiously sporting the brand “indego labs”.[/font]

[font="Calibri"]Seconds later and a shadow casts from above. Tao: “that’s our ticket out of here Diroka -confidently-, [speaks into device: down a little further Yuna, once were on floor it ok!”, Yuna: “Rodger, but get your socks on, we've gotta high tale out of here”. We jump aboard as the star craft insignia-ted “Nestra 581” opens its starboard hatch to the sound of trailing ricochet of bullets, plasma fire and authority, “we’ve made it” says Tao.[/font]
[font="Calibri"][color="#000080"][color="#000000"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"] [/font][/font]
[font="Calibri"][color="#000080"][color="#000000"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"]Thank you for taking the time to read it, and again thanks for any feedback.[/font][/font][font="Calibri"][color="#000080"][color="#000000"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"] [/font][/font][font="Calibri"][color="#000080"][color="#000000"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"]Aimee.[/font][/font]

I really like what you're doing for this excerpt. I think it does seem to keep drama and suspense like you want.

I get a feeling it's a little too vague at times (lots of use of they). I don't know. If you could throw in a name there, even if we don't know who it is yet, it'll give the reader something else to sort of look forward to in the story. "The operatives" incites a little more fear and wonder than "they," I think, but I suppose that's just a style preference.

But yeah, look forward to seeing this develop if you continue on.

My biggest problem with the excerpt you provided is that its riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes, which severely hinder any sense of drama you might have been striving for. It's difficult to become invested in a piece of prose when you're constantly stopping to note a typo, awkward wording, or completely misused words. This definitely requires substantial editing, just for the sake of clarity (for example, the term is "hightail," not "high tale").

That being said, it is still difficult to follow, mainly because it isn't written like a story. For example, you don't put actions or descriptions in brackets if you're writing a narrative; rather, you interweave them into the text. Example: "There's no time to explain," he panted. "They were already..." Also, you switch point of view midway through the second paragraph, going from second person to first person and then back to second person, which is incredibly confusing!

Before you worry about tone and mood and characters and plot, I think you need a much more firm grasp on the written form, as well as spelling and grammar conventions. The one thing I suggest is, simply, to read. If you want to write, it's widely accepted that you should first be fairly well read. Find reputable works you're interested in and read them, closely, studying how and why the author does things. Reading will also improve your vocabulary, as well as familiarize you with narrative form, which should help you convey your ideas more clearly and accurately in the future.

Thank you both for your feedback, after some careful consideration, I went and passed another GCSE, and gave it another go (joking DontBotherNone, nothing wrong with
a bit of banter ). Actually I agreed with both of you, if this is to be done, it has to be done right. So here are my revisions, please again have a look, and if you spot anything my daft dyslexic self has missed, then please mention it.



[color="#000080"]“[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Who am I...” thinks Diroka as a dash of light strobes across the darkness of her eyelids. A thump of pressure forces her eyes open, finding a young man bashing his fists, and shouting at the glass prison surrounding her. Questions suddenly flash through her mind: “who is that, why am I in here, what is this stuff that I'm floating in?”.[/font]

[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Suddenly a rush of cold sober air fills her lungs, and the liquid that once filled the [/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Indego Labs Life Module [/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]drops [/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]to the floor. [/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]“Diroka I thought I'd never find you!" cries the young man "do you know who I am? There’s no time to explain, security were already onto me when I broke in here, so look... I don’t know what they have done to you, but It’s me Tao... your brother, remember? We have to get out of here", Diroka wished she could remember, but the large overall coat he wraps around her smells of Kade and Luca oil, a familiar scent that reminds her of a vivid memory of safety.[/font]
[color="#000080"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"]
[/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Tao grabs her arm, and helps her down the hatch he must have broken through to find her. They start moving as fast as they can, down long winding corridors which seem neverending. Tao speaks in scattered bursts, only to give short snaps of “this way”, “down here”, and glances often to let her know she should trust him. [/font]

[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Diroka soon gains her feet, and starts to run. "The air is thicker outof that pod" she thinks, as loud sirens of the south wing whale. They run faster and faster, through cramped and winding industrial corridors, when with much relief, they see a sunlight filled doorway. Escaping the ricochet of bullets, plasma fire and authority, Diroka leaps through the hatch, only to find the feeling of gravity and equilibrium once again taking over. She falls, and her arm almost snaps as Tao catches her. Tao shouts over the whaling wind “almost lost you there ha ha! grab a proper hold of me and I’ll get us out of here OK!”.[/font]

[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Tao lifts her back up and onto a narrow ledge suitable for maybe one ortwo feet, then dials into a hand held device curiously sporting the brand [/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Indego Labs[/font][color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]. After calming her nerves, Diroka looks up across the half day and half night Rukanon horizon, and stares for a second as if she has notseen it before.[/font]

[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]Seconds later a shadow casts from above. “that’s our ticket out of here Diroka" says Tao confidently. He speaks into his device "down just a little further Yuna”, Yuna replies “Rodger, but get ready, we've gotta hi-tale out of here”. The star craft “Nestra 581”opens its starboard hatch, for them to climb aboard, “we’ve made it” says Tao.[/font]


[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"][color="#000000"][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"]Thanks again, Aimee.[/font][/font]

Interesting piece. Action from the very beggining, amnesia, "there is no time to explain" - typical game elements that work. They force the player to think fast on his/her feet and immerse while at the same time being reliable on the character who guides her/him - an instant bond of sorts, which you can fiddle with later on.

The story so far doesnt' tell much, but at the same time does not require an intro (if this is not it), so from a game's point of view its pretty good. Some might complain that games tend to abuse the amnesia theme too much in modern games, but IMO that allows the player to learn in the same way the character does - how the world works, who are the NPC's and so on. It feels less awkward than having a grown man/woman character in the world and not knowing anything about the culture/world (not that many read into lenghty game backstories).

I had a feeling of Mirror's Edge while reading it (don't ask why, just had it) and the idea reminded me of the intro to Global Agenda (in some way) - which is very good I think ^^ Good job

The second revision helps some with the clarity. And, I'm really not much of a grammar and spelling nazi, yet the pervasive run-on sentences make this hard to read.

Example:

[color="#000080"][font="Calibri"]“Diroka I thought I'd never find you!" cries the young man "do you know who I am? There’s no time to explain, security were already onto me when I broke in here, so look... I don’t know what they have done to you, but It’s me Tao... your brother, remember? We have to get out of here", Diroka wished she could remember, but the large overall coat he wraps around her smells of Kade and Luca oil, a familiar scent that reminds her of a vivid memory of safety.[/font]
[/quote]

Here, rewrote it a little. Gave her a little bit of voice in this, so she is more than Tao's motive or a narrative m[font="arial, sans-serif"]acguffin. Also exorcised many inconsequential details that can be waxed poetic over later. [/font]
[font="arial, sans-serif"] [/font]

"Diroka!", beamed the young man.

She was flushed from confusion, "I-is that my name? Y-you know me?".

"Yes, of course I do! -But, we have to get you out of here!"

"W-where are we?"

"Look, I don't know what they did to you...", wrapping her in his overcoat. "It's me, Tao...your brother, remember?".

She warms to the familiar scent of the coat; recalling distant memories of safety.

Then, another set of sirens started, closer and more persistent. "Security is already onto us", prying her from the medical pod. "You are just going to have to trust me. There isn't time to explain!".

She welcomed his grasp, as they bolt into the hallway.
[/quote]

"Diroka!", beamed the young man.

She was flushed with confusion, "I-is that my name? Y-you know me?".

"Yes, of course I do! -But, we have to get you out of here!"

"W-where are we?"

"Look, I don't know what they did to you...", wrapping her in his overcoat. "It's me, Tao...your brother, remember?".

She warms to the familiar scent of the coat; recalling distant memories of safety.

Then, another set of sirens started, closer and more persistent. "Security is already onto us", prying her from the medical pod. "You are just going to have to trust me. There isn't time to explain!".

She welcomed his grasp, as they bolted into the hallway.
[/quote]

Sorry, but this doesn't sound right O.o The tension is all gone and it feels like a romantic story now. When you wake up from a comatose, a man bangs against your prison and you can barelly wrap your head around anything, that including walking, I guess you can't really speak. Nor even think reasonably. It sounds almost like they had all the time in the world, allowing the girl to have an inquiry about what is going on.

Personally, I liked the OP's version more. Your version sounds like that one Mass Effect2 scene, where Shephard (woken up from a comatose, under fire and amidst the chaos of death and panic) has the time to speak to his/her future teammate about what is going on, who he is etc. It just felt silly and weird Unnatural perhaps.

Sorry, but this doesn't sound right O.o The tension is all gone and it feels like a romantic story now. When you wake up from a comatose, a man bangs against your prison and you can barelly wrap your head around anything, that including walking, I guess you can't really speak. Nor even think reasonably. It sounds almost like they had all the time in the world, allowing the girl to have an inquiry about what is going on.

Personally, I liked the OP's version more. Your version sounds like that one Mass Effect2 scene, where Shephard (woken up from a comatose, under fire and amidst the chaos of death and panic) has the time to speak to his/her future teammate about what is going on, who he is etc. It just felt silly and weird Unnatural perhaps.

Yeah, its not my best work. But I think you might be reading too much into things.

Both the original run-on sentence and my reworking are pure exposition...The who's, why's, where's letting you know what it going on. Understand? Tension isn't intended here, its just the set up.

Where the tension and suspense should be is in the escape. Which is that whole section from the point they leave the medical pod until they safely board Yuna's craft.
And because this is told from Diroka's perspective, she needs to have a stake in the action by being an active participant..."finding her feet and running" is only action...Helping to decide the actions that are taken is active participation.

Maybe a more dramatic and suspenseful escape is if the exit is cut-off...Tao contacts Yuna to plot an alternative route through the facility...Diroka remembers something, maybe an alternative route that is different than the one Yuna plots...But Diroka isn't sure, so they follow Yuna's path...Its a dead end, security forces are right on their tail...Diroka suddenly remembers the secret hatch..And they escape safely onto Yuna's ship. Thats just a summery, still room for ricocheting bullets and explosions. Point is its not just run, run, run.

Thanks again everyone for your replies, the feedback is absolutely fantastic. First off a bit of information about where the scene is set, and why things are the way they are:

- The scene is aiming at realism, Diroka has a wondering mind at times, she can sometimes come across more logical than emotional.
- The setting of the game is a planet that has a dense atmosphere, the pod Diroka is found in provides her with a constant oxygen supply with
chemicals meant to keep her sedated via a breathing mask.

Regarding FireFly, that film did give me a few ideas originally for this scene, however the underlying back story and a sinister twist which I can't really reveal
make's Tao and Diroka's story far enough to stay well safe from being a cliché. I've kinda had my head stuck into the design dock for the last 24 hours lol, but once
I've gotten through the last niggles in the functional specification, I'll post a revised excerpt taking into account the corrections you guys helped identify.

Thanks again for your eyes, and If anyone is really interested in, please check the help wanted section as I have a post on there too describing what we
are up to team wise.

Aimee.